Weekly Voice Insights #109-When Worry Starts Making the Decisions
“Some things are up to us, and some are not. Focus only on what is yours to govern.”
—Based on Epictetus, Enchiridion 1
.png)
Yesterday, while preparing for an engagement, I caught myself thinking, Why bother continuing to work on this?
A possible conflict had come up. Nothing had been cancelled. No one had told me that I couldn’t attend. I had simply begun thinking several steps ahead and rationalizing why it might no longer make sense to prepare.
I couldn’t settle the outside circumstances by thinking about them longer. I could continue working on the presentation. Still, it took me some time to separate those two things.
Epictetus begins the Enchiridion with eph’ hēmin: up to me, within my control. Other people’s actions, institutional decisions, weather, events, and their outcomes are not up to me. My choices, my work, and where I direct my attention are.
I consider myself a thorough person. Part of my agitation came from realizing that I had overlooked information I should have read more carefully. If I had understood it the first time, perhaps I could have avoided the uncertainty.
There was something useful in acknowledging the mistake. I can read more carefully next time. But then I began treating the mistake as evidence against how I see myself. A thorough person should not have done this.
Of course, a thorough person can still misread something. Continuing to be irritated with myself will not change what I missed. Ah, to be human.
I have done this before. When I was preparing to sing Germont in La Traviata in France, I worried that the engagement might conflict with my work schedule. I gave a possible conflict more and more of my attention, wanting to settle something before the circumstances themselves had settled it.
My Developing Your Authentic Voice Reflection Journal includes another reminder:
“Stop frightening yourself with wild thoughts—examine them calmly.”
—Based on Epictetus, Discourses 2.1
The possibility I was considering was not unreasonable. “This could interfere with my engagement” became “I may not be able to go.”
Repeated thoughts do manifest themselves in how I act. They become visible.
Positive thoughts do not automatically create confidence, but they can affect how I prepare and respond to myself and others.
Knowing an idea does not mean I have learned to practice it.
Prohairesis: the faculty of choice. In my daily reflection I asked myself , “Will I have the strength to do the things I choose?” I followed that with, “I have the will to keep at it. Yay me.”
I get to choose, so I must choose—and then do. Sometimes I also have to make the same choice again when my attention returns to the worry.
Voice practice has taught me something about that return. I may understand that I need to release unnecessary tension or allow the breath to move. Understanding the instruction does not mean the habit has changed. I have to pay attention to what I am doing and learn to recognize when I have slipped back into something that is not productive.
Breath happens without my control. With awareness, I can govern how I use it. I may not prevent the first physical response to uncertainty, and I cannot order myself to stop worrying. I can notice when the worry has taken over my attention.
Tarachē: disturbance, agitation. That describes what was consuming my energy.
Exousia: authority, the power to govern. I still had control over where I directed that energy, even when the choice did not come easily.
“My life is up to me” can sound much larger than what I mean. I do not control everything that happens in my life. Much of what happens depends upon other people, timing, institutions, and circumstances I cannot predict.
What remains up to me is whether I allow an imagined outcome to decide how I use today. Yesterday I noticed that I had wanted to stop preparing because of something that might happen. I went back to working on the presentation and today less of my energy is directed towards fear and worry.
Inner Check-In
- What uncertain outcome have I begun treating as though it has already happened?
- What am I neglecting while I continue thinking about that outcome?
- How are my repeated thoughts becoming visible in my behavior?
- Where do I want to direct my attention now?
Find the DYAV newsletter, website, blog, reflection journal, and Voice Insights archive below:
.png)
No comments:
Post a Comment